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Coping with a Divorce or Relationship Breakup
a guide to grieving and recovery copied from helpguide.org
When you lose a close friend or love relationship, you are likely to feel great sorrow and heartache. Even when a bad relationship ends, there can be deep pain and grief. Coping with a divorce or relationship breakup of any kind can be very painful, and most people go through this experience at some point in their lives. But the challenges posed by such a deep loss can be turned into opportunities, enabling you not only to survive, but also thrive. Learn to understand your feelings and develop tools to cope with your relationship breakup or divorce.
Relationship breakup is one of life’s most painful experiences.
Breaking up a relationship is difficult – especially if it’s not your choice. Grief can be experienced even when an unfulfilling relationship ends, because, at the very least you have lost the emotional investment you made in that relationship. There may be a sense of failure, hopelessness, loss, despair, fear, or desperation. In many cases, the length of the relationship compounds the pain of loss; a divorce after half a lifetime together can seem like the end of the world. Partly, it depends on how much you had vested, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. But even short-term relationships can involve an investment in fantasy and in hopes for the future, and their loss can be similarly heart-wrenching.
The loss of a partner through death is an obvious source of grief, but relationships end for many other reasons. Couples grow apart in general because they:
· Don’t care about or want the same things – differing values and interests
· Don’t know how to sustain a mutually fulfilling relationship – not surprising if you haven’t experienced positive role models
· Have problems that the other can’t abide – compulsive or abusive behavior or illnesses that severely limit the relationship.
Loss in relationship breakups and divorce is experienced both physically and emotionally.
Why do relationship breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? Whatever the reason for a breakup or divorce, coping can be a challenge, because even a disappointing relationship starts out with an emotional investment in what could be. Serious relationship begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. People invest time, energy, plans, dreams and hope for the future in love relationships. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, as well as grieve the physical loss of someone important in our lives.
Grief is the outcome of loss that includes:
· Loss of companionship and shared experience – which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable.
· Loss of a hoped for dream – can be even more painful than practical losses.
· Loss of needed support – financial, intellectual, or emotional.
Early life memories can also contribute to the pain of relationships breakups and divorce.
Past relationships can make current breakups more painful.
Sometimes the end of a love relationship can bring up powerful, even frightening memories of earlier separation or loss. Whatever the trigger – from the childhood memory of a last hug and kiss before Mommy or Daddy left for work, to firsthand recovery from a painful divorce- the current crisis you are experiecing can prove more difficult as that earlier fear or experience surfaces. Childhood wounding, such as death of a loved one early in life, absentee or alcoholic parent(s), being deserted somewhere when you were supposed to be picked up, or different types of childhood rejection, shaming, or abuse, can complicate the pain of a breakup. In crisis there is opportunity. Although your current breakup can trigger unresolved memories that add to your pain and grief, the availability of raw memories gives you an opportunity to revisit unresolved past hurts, and to reevaluate and heal them.
Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose. Most grief runs its course with the support of friends and family. But sometimes grief can trigger depression or even unresolved past trauma.
When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom that is never interrupted by moments of pleasure. Even when participating in activities you used to enjoy, you feel as if you are just “going through the motions.” You may also feel numb, lifeless and empty. Additional symptoms of depression may include appetite or weight changes, insomnia or sleeping too much, anxiety or feeling sluggish, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, difficulty concentrating or remembering, and physical aches and pains or digestive ailments. Thoughts of suicide can also occur. If that happens, reach out to someone. Reach out to just one person right away. Tell someone what is going on with you. You can call a trusted friend, family member, minister, rabbi, doctor, or therapist. It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it is someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.
Notice - Promotion & Advertising Committee
Good News Community will be starting up a promotion and advertising committee to get the word out about GNCI programs and activities. If you are interested in helping out with this committee, please call Darrell Wake 269-795-2305, Michael Reid 616-531-1669, or Marie Hadden 616-363-0270.
We want to try to reach out to more people who could benefit from Good News Community programs.
Board Meetings
We have monthly board meeting open to the public. The meetings are held at 6945 Madison SE, a quarter of a mile south of 68th St. The meetings start at 6pm. Please click on the Calendar to find out this month Good News Board Meeting.
Good News Seminars- Looking Ahead
Good News Community offers two seminars every fall (September). One is Coping With Divorce, a nine week seminar for people who are going through separation or divorce. This 9-week seminar utilizes a different speaker each week of the seminar, with small group discussions for the second hour. This seminar is very helpful for people going through separation or for those who are already divorced and want to revisit some of the issues that came up during process.
The other seminar offered by Good news Community in September is Building Positive Relationships. This seminar is led by Don Hoffman and is a 6 week session in which Don helps participants to build on their communication and listening skills.
Dates and locations for these two seminars can be found on the "seminar link". Sign up begins in June for September seminars, so be thinking about these seminars. Some scholarships are available. Anyone wishing to become a Good News facilitator needs to take Coping With Divorce even if they are already divorced. Please call Mary Lou Stawiski with any questions at (616) 942-6006.
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